I think I'm a writer

I remember the first time I put my pen to a paper, and decided to express myself. I was in the 4th grade when I decided I wanted to be singer. I wrote a song called "OH NO" and talked about how amazing it felt to have a crush on a boy "OH NO" was the ill-est hook I came up with to describe my wowed and amazed feelings of finally being the popular girl, instead of the shy timid girl expressing myself through a crooked smile. The singing part didn't work out so much, but if its one thing I never self consciously gave up on it was the writing. I remember I grew up never being proud of the things I was passionate about. My father raised us, but he never really empowered us to be whatever we wanted to be. He was more focused on getting us through the day, and if we had a meal and laughed through the day that's all that really mattered. I lacked confidence, because I didn't know if it was okay to be proud of the uncommon things I enjoyed.  After I wrote my first song my sister found my song folded up in the side pocket of back pack we shared, and one day showed me she found it. I came out and told her it was a song I wrote and laughed it off, as she laughed at me, not with me. I was so embarrassed! I decided after that moment, I needed to be more secretive over this "uncommon passion" of mine because I didn't want to be laughed at, ever again.

I started using my school notebooks to write down my favorite song lyrics that made me feel understood and important. Tupac lyrics were my favorite! I would spend hours in my room rewinding songs to write down my favorite verses and recite them whenever I wanted to be "in my feels". I watched his interviews, and read his poems. I was instantly intrigued that someone that was like me, was a proud writer, and had the confidence to share his feelings with the whole world. I hoped that when I got older I could do what I loved just like him. By the time High School came around, I had notebooks dedicated to just journal entries, and poems, but I still kept it to myself! High school was a lot of things, fun, annoying, and of course dramatic. None of that had room for a proud writer; At least that's what I thought. In high School being accepted felt good, but being popular was the ego stroker with out a doubt. I was already not accepted by my mothers side of the family, the last thing I needed was to be unaccepted by primitive high school peers that liked me for who I already was. I wasn't ready to share my love poems, life problems at home and journal entries of my first heart break! It sounded crazy to even read them out loud to myself. Everything felt way too personal to let friends actually get to know me for the naturally emotional being I was. 

I wrote in privacy for years to come, soul searching, getting to know myself, and becoming consciously proud of being in tune with me. The more comfortable I became with myself, the more comfortable I became with sharing who I am with my friends. Real friends are your biggest supporters, and as soon as I opened up to them about wanting to publish my writing, they were instantly my biggest support system. "I think I'm a writer" I said to my best friends.  "I have been writing these journal entries, and poems for years and lately I've been thinking of publishing a book"  My best friends responded and said, " That's so dope Tet! I could definitely see you being great at this!" In that moment I did the unthinkable, and I sent them a sample of my writing. I did it. I finally shared my writing with someone! wait, wait, wait! should I have done that? Why am I so nervous, what if  they doesn't like it? I'm not even that good, what was I thinking?" Doubt instantly overflowed my mind, and I told myself I wasn't good enough before someone else had the chance to tell me first. "I love it! definitely relatable, I cant wait to read more!" They both replied with good feedback. I realized in that moment, it wasn't the acceptance that I wanted from my best friends, It was the fear of not being as great as I wanted to be at something I truly enjoy. My friends love me, and will accept me regardless of me being talented or not. It was knowing that my best friends would be 100% honest of how good it was, that actually made me fear sharing it with anyone at all. Sometimes you have to make yourself uncomfortable in order to get comfortable, with progressing yourself to the next level. That was my first step of getting uncomfortable, and sharing a piece of myself with others. I decided after that moment, whether I am good, amazing, or just plain terrible, I am going to write, and be proud to write, because I AM, and will always be a writer, that is constantly "in my feels". welcome to my journey. This is my first post, and most importantly, me making myself uncomfortable. Shout out to growth! Continue to be the best you, you know how to be. After all there is only one you.. right?